ksksks.

I have to move again.

2007-09-06T05:25:06Z

More or less, my roommates are asking me to move.
so they can move in one of their friends.
I suppose it's more complicated than that,
but I'm too tired to write right now.

I'm sick of moving.

Above is a map of all the places I've lived in New York.

Kseniya...

2007-08-07T02:03:42Z

got your message.

will reply soon.

was unemployed for most of July.

is really really broke. for real.

had a panic attack a few weeks ago and ended up in Philly with Justin for a weekend.

is considering getting some affordable professional therapy.

thought about you a few days ago.

had a kitty nap on her stomach while reading comic books that Saturday afternoon.

has dated a boy for the past two months and is a better and happier person for it.

lost that thing that you wrote for her.

bought some new headphones.

loves her mom.

needs a new deodorant.

maxed out her card last week to buy an airplane ticket to Ukraine.

will send you a post card if you send her your address before tomorrow afternoon.

misses you a lot.

won't be able to meet you at the airport.

spends a lot of down time there.

is subletting her apartment.

bought a hamster and named him Lenny.

is slowly but surely working on some projects.

saw you do coke.

updates her tumblr blog more than you.

has trouble saying those things to him.

wishes she hadn't had to do that but doesn't know how to undo what had occurred.

thought you were ok but wished for more.

lost her cellphone this morning and hasn't stopped whining about it.

will probably need your number when she comes back.

can't fucking believe you.

A year of text-messages.

2007-07-09T20:14:15Z

M: Do you smoke weed? 7/28/06

Jon: You can't answer my call because of Michael Jackson videos? pff. 7/28/06

Mattie: Fear is the mere lack of love. 8/15/06

Max: Stay food empty please.
Fivington confirmed. Buzz pending. 8/16/06
/last time I saw Max in NY for dinner/

Ashley: At Shakespeare's Books. Reminds me of you
+ stories of the resident kitty. Let's play soon! 8/16/06
/I miss you, Ash/

Max: I am alone on the bus (in Jacksonville) with a gay overweight black man who
is aggressively hitting on me. 8/17/06

Scott: Hey, I'm taking a Greyhound to your city this weekend. We should hang out.
Maybe selling zines in warm weather. L broke up with me. Thus the rash travel. 8/24/06
/the last time I sold zines in Union Square. A very sad but nice visit from Baltimore Scott/

Anon 1: I don't mean 2 bother you but, do u live in NY? If so, I want 2 know if we can talk
and get 2 know each other better and become friends in the future possibly? If not, lemme know
and I'll leave u alone. 8/29/06
/The first guy who called me when someone posted my # in the Casual Encounters section.
He was nice enough but texting me about wanting to be friends after I said I wasn't the one who posted the ad,
was a little much, regardless of intentions./

Anon 2: YOUR NUMBER IS ON CRAIGSLIST.
YOU DIDNT POST THAT SO YOU DONT ENJOY GANGBANGS?
WOULD YOU EVER CONSIDER GIVING HEAD JUST FOR FUN?
ARE YOU FROM NY?
IF YOU DONT TALK TO ME IM GOING TO POST YOUR NUMBER ON CL!
TAKE A PHONE CAM PICTURE OF YOUR FACE AND BREASTS AND SEND IT TO ME
DO IT NOW OR YOUR NUMBER IS GOING BACK UP ON CRAIGSLIST AND I WILL POST/REPOST IT ALLDAY!
SEND YOUR PIC TO MY E-MAILS TECHIE2009@YAHOO.COM YOU HAVE UNTIL 10PM TONIGHT -OR ELSE!
REMEMBER YOUR FACE AND BREASTS OR ELSE! 8/30/06
/A less nice guy who contacted me through the fake Casual Encounters ad. Tried to report him to the police,
but that didn't get me anywhere. There's a chance that he did receive some cam photos that night, but not of me
and not of breasts exactly./

907: Your new T-mobile number is... 8/30/06

W: Are you seeing anyone? I'd rather make out with you than some girl I don't know. 9/12/06
/I was trying to get a couple to makeout in front of a Happy Corp event. Asked my ex, which maybe wasn't smart./

H: No. I'm not. 9/18/06
/In reply to a "Are you still seeing Steve?" text/

Chris: Well some of us have shitty weeks and don't have the comfort of boyfriends and friends at the hip.
Pick up your laptop. I'm moving in two weeks. 9/18/06
/I've yet to pick up that laptop. Ohman./

Eric: Why? Would I have met a girl there and fallen in love? 10/6/6
/in reply to my 'You should have really come to this party. It was amazing' text/

Jenny: So good meeting you my MD friend 10/7/6
/This girl who works for the Onion video news. She was amazing and I haven't seen her since./

Justin: Looks like the roommate is finally breaking in the apartment. 10/12/06

Phillip: I drove through a blizzard today. They are pretty buy dangerous. I haven't heard from you in a long time.
Are you ok? 10/14/06
/oh phillip. I'm sorry I've been gone for such a long time./

Jenny: Sorry to miss your cute face on Friday. 10/23/06
/I never knew if she was hitting on me or not./

Bryan: Where t fuk have u been 10/27/06
/a frequent sentiment from friends and neighbors/

Darb: abandoned your zine and gone corporate, eh? Looks fun. 10/31/06

Olga: Is your last name Smith?
/no, it's Yarosh/
I thought so! Your photo at the feast was stunning!
Photofeast @ Parsons
Dude your photo was up. Huge blow up. 11/10/2006
/I never found out what this was../

Alex: This is alex smith. Don't bother me.
Just kidding bear.
Just kidding my name is bear grylls. 11/14/2006
/I miss you/

Alex B: I'm meeting Phoebe's parents. 11/22/2006
/I was lonely and on the brink of another break up with Steve. Wanted to see an ex
with whom I flirted online a few days prior. He'd not mentioned a girl until I texted him to meet me for coffee./

Ned: Happy Thanksgiving! Are you sitting on the cat? 11/23/06
/catsitting/

Ned: I had a really nice time 11/24/06
/ha. yes./

Eric: Holy shit. 11/26/06
/reply to major break up one mass text/

Eleni: You are not a stray kitty because I am not a stray kitty keeper 11/27/06

Ned: Have a good night. It's only because I got blindsided by a lost love. 11/29/06

Jenny: So wish I was there! On a late onion shoot. Hope to see you soon! 12/1/06
/re: still have not seen her in almost a year/

Max: ...are you at a puritan ladythings store? 12/9/06

Steve: You jerk. Your card made me cry. 12/11/06
/re: a birthday card in which I said we were great friends. I am cruel and unusual./

Rachel: Don't bother calling. 12/15/06
/the beginning of the end?/

Scott: Merry Crimmas, Kseniya. Hope you are well. I had a brownie Holocaust in my kitchen last night.
Many delicious treats were lost. 12/25/06

Ben: I'm taken by the repping of Gestalt psychology in a personals ad. I'd have done a double take.
Oh, also, my coworkers are fascinated by your work (=zines). You're making a big splash at Film Forum. 1/12/07
/funny/

Scott: ...All the puppies are winning. No one ever loses the puppy bowl. 2/4/07

Scott: I'm eating cheese and watching lost. Happy Valentine's Day! 2/14/07

Ben: Have a more updated and realistic outlook on life. Will bring. 3/26/07

Max: I hope your life is good. 5/7/07

Eric: Couldn't leave apt cuz of electrician. Trying to make card, late 4 work, hating self. 5/21/07
/best haiku ever/

Justin: What size is your waist? 5/21/07
/never found out what this was about/

Doug: Brandon Bird! 5/23/07
/you are my super answer man, doug/

Matt C.: I'm going to play it real cool and say something vague like, 'yes.' 6/7/07
/in reply to whether he was psyched about our upcoming first date/

Matt C.: I'll be cheburashka, you be ghena. 6/14/07
/I like the inverse arrangement better, but nonetheless one of the most romantic texts ever./

Jon: My butt....in your face! 6/20/07
/Re: 'what's up?' Good one, jon/

Matt F.: Well since apparently architecture is 'porn' to me, I'll be spending my remaining work time in a similar fashion.
/re: I was reading erotica at work that day/

Arnold: Was just thinking of you. I gave your replacement cookies but there was no reciprocity.
It's not the same without you. 6/25/07
/re: text to get lunch with a former co-worker. We used to trade snacks./

Alan: Better hope they run out of hot dogs before they run out of buns. 7/7/07

Jon: I am a man of taste and leisure! 7/7/07

uncorrupted84 @ 2007-06-23T04:46:00

2007-06-23T08:51:16Z

I just realized that 'I hope you got/get laid'
has become my most recent version of 'Have a good day' or 'Be well.'

Not that I say it to everyone, but if I really like the person..why not?

I mean it.

Summer=

2007-06-22T23:01:42Z

Justin and I gorging on ice cream on a late Monday night.

newoldphotos.

2007-06-22T21:54:55Z

Hammie.
Originally uploaded by ksen.

There are a bunch of new old photos on my flickr right now.
I scanned them many many months ago
but somehow didn't bother to upload.
I don't think they're quite as good as the first two batches
I put up sometime ago, but they might still be interesting to look at.

live blogging.

2007-06-15T04:44:30Z

today was good.
i feel good about today.

SUPER EXTREME UPDATE.

2007-06-13T03:58:16Z

I'm starting to prefer these multi-layer bi-weekly updates.
They're surprisingly easier to write than the second-by-second event snapshots
I used to do almost daily 2003-2005.
There's a little more context, there's a little more thought.

No doubt I'll miss re-reading first impressions in the future,
but third impressions can be more filling and less embarrassing,
even if they are revealing.

---
MID-MAY CRUSH

To start with, I'd like to mention that I'm unfiltering most of the friends-only entries
from last month. The overwhelming 2-week crush on X has faded as quickly
as it revealed itself. It made me sad to let it go, but it was obviously based on a misunderstanding
and much post-break-up hope. I'm not saying the dude is a bad guy, but he's certainly
not who I thought he was. Attractive? Sure. Innovative? Yes. Successful? Absolutely.

But there was an edge of cruelty to him (as with Darb, whom he reminds me of so terribly
and whom I tried to talk to the night that the crush finally collapsed unto itself
in a string of terrible text messages and a five minute phone conversation punctuated by
the boy's laughs and 'You called me to say that?' and 'Why are you telling me this?'
That=being hurt by his words. This=an idea I had for an art project).

Some degree of sharpness has always been appealing to me.
Sweetness goes stale if it's not peppered by sarcasm and occasional antagonizing jabs.
But there's a balance that needs to be reached. Each person has their level of comfort.
I tend to play along with most people's and am put off when someone oversteps my boundaries,
ignoring blatant protests.

In the past, phrases like 'If you can't help your behavior, who can?' and
'Did you just ask me how you should feel? What are you, a character in my novel?'
alone would have been enough to make me swoon. When I was a teenager, I assumed
this kind of tone was a sign that the other person was paying attention. I assumed that there
was affection and intimacy and trust ingrained in this kind of vague hostility.
But it's just not so simple anymore. I'm tired of settling for abuse because it's the closest thing
to pure, unsuperficial intimacy. Yes, it may be better than being bored by someone who
is so timid as to be completely hands off, but it's just another extreme. Finding something
in between is not impossible.

'Do you only want me to compliment you and tell you good things?,' I remember my mother
would ask me when I would become too sensitive to her critiques. No, I don't.
'There's so much that I put aside,' Steve would tell me when I would criticize his character or decisions.
'You have no idea how many things about you frustrate me and I just learn to put them aside,' he would cry.
I don't want this either.

What I do want is for the other to expect/want the most from me--to encourage me, sometimes slyly and sometimes not--
but to still make their affection as apparent as their criticism.

I want there to be a dialogue that see-saws into equilibrium.
I want there to be pauses where the guard is down on both sides and only positive feelings are exchanged.

FULL DISCLOSURE: As hinted in the above mention of our last exchange,
the boy ultimately rejected me, not I him. Nonetheless, his deafness made me
uncomfortable. If I saw the situation accurately,
he seemed to amplify the part where I had a breakdown in front of him
and ignore the playful recklessness flirtation in favor of a more needy, fumbling, pestering
vision of my character. I didn't even want to date the boy. I just thought there was chemistry
and I was curious where that could lead. Just sex wouldn't have been satisfying.
Sex and some amazing conversations without the strings of a relationship.
Yes, well, I guess it's best the flaws in my fantasy became apparent sooner than later.

Oh yeah, he is also in an open relationship with a girl who works
at a coffee shop I regularly visit. C'est la vie.

---
HOUSE

It's possibly the grimiest and smallest (at least my room, not the house as a whole) place I've lived in,
and I LOVE it.

Yeah, the neighborhood is baren. There are only 2 decent coffee shop/bars to go to,
one is a 10-minute walk away, the other one 30. And as far as food goes, I'm pretty much stuck
with fried chicken and McDonalds. Chinese food places here suck and there's little else.
A so-so diner that closes too early.

My roommate Rachel and I are the only white girls within a 10-block radius, and she
at least knows the neighbors, whereas I still feel too shy to do anything but nod and smile
when the black boys give me the eye.

None of that really matters.

This place is insanely cheap (450$! It's the same exact price
a friend in MD was offering me for a room in a house near College Park.
It's the cheapest rent you can possibly find in New York, and chances are,
the place will be a slum and you'll never see your landlord after the forms have been signed.)
and better yet, I feel comfortable here. Four roommates and they're all just normal enough
for me to feel at ease and weird enough for me not to be bored.
For the first time in a while, I can have a genuine conversation with the people I live.
Not some chit chat but actual details, private details about our lives.
At the same time, we can get drunk and goof around and feel just as fine.
They're like my siblings, without the burden of being family.
We make fun of each other and hug and talk about our sex lives and there's no weirdness
or hidden tension or superficial friendliness. These people are amazing
and I'm just crossing my fingers that our dynamics stays stable.
Not worrying about finding a new place to live is a strange and incredible feeling.

---
STEVE

There are still strings here and I'm not sure what to do, so I've been taking things one step at a time,
adjusting myself to the daily fluctuations of our morphing ..relationship.

A certain degree of affection will never fade.
A year with a person is not something you can amputate.
Nonetheless, I'm starting to see the situation more vividly now in retro-spect
and there's a degree of embarassment towards my post-graduate complacency.
It was triggered by depression, but there were moments where I made very conscious decisions
to stay, be it due to curiosity or fear of loneliness, or just because it was easier not to resist Steve's conviction,
or stubborn rebelliosness towards people who felt a break-up was the obvious decision.
It was ultimately a disservice to us both. Yes, we have chemistry but
fuck if it isn't the heaviest relationship I have ever encountered.
There's just something about our interaction that I now find physically exhausting.
I feel dizzy and near passing out.

We have such different perspectives on what is important, that I just..
can't stand to talk about it anymore.

[SECTION CENSORED 6/20/07]

---
WORK

I had a chance to get a full-time permanent job. I refused it.
Though it doesn't seem like it, it was the most adult decision I've made in a while.

It started out ok.
An established law firm. International patent department.
My own cubicle and desk and all teh office supplies I could ever want.
15$/hour and plenty of benefits.

In a sense, it would have been a cushy job.
Paper-shuffling. Filing. Inter-office mail. Photocopies.
It wasn't entirely simple. There was a system and you had to be attentive enough
to distinguish minute differences between extremely similar documents.
Nonetheless, it wasn't intricate enough to require much thinking.
I thought maybe I could learn about patents as a whole, but soon enough
it was pretty clear that wasn't the point.

I may have even settled for it, were it not for some other major factors.

The boss was extremely controlling, condecending, and traditional.
No internet usage whatsoever except during lunch hour.
Little to no usage of headphones (I still listened to the radion and my ipod,
but it was basically a no no).
You had to check in each morning when you arrived with an e-mail to the boss
with 'Good Morning' in the subject like. 'Good Night' when you left. 'Lunch' and 'Back,' also.
No variation in the wording of these e-mails was acceptable.
Conversation with co-workers was minimal and most of the other departments were ignored
or disliked entirely (there was a crue of twenty-somethings scanning in documents in the same office
and boy did she loathe them).
The secretary seemed to keep a watchful eye on everyone and rarely would there be a smile, even fake.
The boss seemed to enjoy a kind of fearful attitude from the workers.
It seemed that pretending to work even if there was nothing to do was the norm. Still no internet usage at this point.
She would get angry over very little things, common to an office--empty paper tray--and
act out in a hostile, angry way. Apparently listening to an iPod is unprofessional but saying 'Fuck' and 'Shit'
loudly at the office (usually directed at someone) is totally cool.

The little perk that there was--leaving work an hour early on Fridays, while still getting paid for it--
was always underlined by her as a tremendous favor to all of us.
She said I didn't deserve it the last Friday I was in.
I would have said 'Then I'll stay. I don't need your 'gift,'' if I wasn't so terribly afraid of her
and devoted to keeping apperances up for my temp agency.

From the second day in, I knew I didn't want to do this job, and I'm glad I got out of it quickly.
It would have made me more miserable than any mind-numbing administrative job ever should,
and I would have wasted their time.

I'm very affected by my environment and the attitude of my superiors
and I'm glad I didn't dismiss these feelings in favor of stability.

It's not time yet.
I like temping. I like the times I am not.
Eventually I'll find something that is more compatible. Not perfect, just better.

---
DATING

After the two-week stint at the patent office
(Which bytheway, was interestingly enough my first real 9 to 5 job.
I don't think I've ever worked anything but 10 to 6 before..),
I had an entire week off.

It was amazing.

I'd placed an ad the previous weekend
and took advantage of my time off to go on a few dates.

The first one was disapointing and it made me sad that the boy was drawn to me
and I couldn't reciprocate this, but played along nevertheless.
I didn't intend to initially, but once my signs of boredom and lack of attraction were disregarded,
I thought the easiest thing would be to play along. I had a good time talking and that was about it.
Shallow as it may be, were he more attractive, I'm sure I'd be more willing to hang out.
I doubt that would last too long, however.

There were two more meetings that followed and both were much easier.
Further discussion of these will be stopped short here, due to the fact that some things are still a little grey
and both parties have access to this material and I'd rather speak to them directly
then through this.

I met two others through replies I sent to their ads, but am unsure if I'll see either one again.
One will make for an amazing friend. He might even be ok with that.
The other..well, the other, while extremely interesting,
is perhaps better left unmentioned here.

Yes, there was the girl I was so excited about meeting also.
I don't know if it's meant to be.
She canceled on me thrice and sent an apologetic e-mail and it's possibe a meeting sometime in the future will still happen,
but, as I told her, some of the excitment has certainly faded with the continuous postponing.
If nothing else, a platonic relationship with a girl would be extremely good for me right now. We'll see.

---
PROJECTS

Working on a post-it note ptoject.
I'm pretty into it and it may take me the summer to finish, so I think I'll postpone revealing the details.

I may, however, post photos of the progress, as things begin to move along more steadily.

Re-writing issue 2 of the Zine.

Printed a few copies of FUCKYOU and was about to mail them
but they disapeared into local hands. Will buy more paper and ink
and will try again quite soon (=next week at latest).

Remember that while I am not here I am still often HERE,
posting videos and links and other observations that seem a little out of place here
but may still be of interest.

The Daves I Know.

2007-06-08T17:42:03Z

I have seven Matt's in my phonebook right now, and that's not counting Steve who is also a Matt by origin.

Matt C.-introduced me to kareoke, "just funny enough"..generally difficult to describe

Matt Handy-makes a zine about beards

Matt Howard-architect extraordinaire and general smart-dude about town

Matt T.-too handsome for his own good

Matt Wittman-amazing mover slash drummer boy

Matthew F.-subtle & a fantastic dresser

Mattie-telephone friend and boy scout

girlove. [made accessible to all 6/12/07]

2007-05-29T02:35:51Z

1996, new orleans flamingo face
Originally uploaded by ksen.

I have my first real date with a girl on Friday night.
Oh, shit.

Scared? Yes.
Does she look like a cute, femme version of Beck? Uh yeah.

---
Furthermore,
I've been posting more stuff at http://ksen.tumblr.com/ these days than here. Still, my internet connection is awkward and my entry about my busy past week of new job & being duped out of 80$ has been post-poned.
Maybe I'll write it tonight. We'll see.

first videos.

2007-05-21T00:15:19Z

drawing ksen from ksen. on Vimeo

---

stay hungry from ksen. on Vimeo

tv killed.

2007-05-20T23:59:59Z

I'm all over the Internet. At one point or another, I have signed up for nearly every major social networking/sharing/dating website there is.
Myspace, Facebook (I keep meaning to delete my profile..), Consumating (I kind of miss it, but probably won't be back for a while yet, if ever), Ljo, Flickr, OkCupid (that site looks like Match.com now..), and Spring Street Personals are just the first to come to mind. There are plenty of others.

I like seeing how these webs work, what kind of people I can find, and how I can skewer my personality in yet another format.

Nonetheless, I've been avoiding a few. I only signed up on YouTube when I had trouble embedding videos in my blog. I like adding videos to my favorites. I don't post videos or leave comments.

The same goes for Vimeo. I've been on it plenty. I just never considered signing up and posting my own clips.

---
Then my mom started posting videos on YouTube. It was weird.

It feels so much more..what's the word?..public. Extremely private blog posts and photos don't make me flinch anymore. It feels natural to talk about personal ongoings and illustrate one's latest projects and social outings through snapshots. It's a way to meet people and get a clearer sense of oneself.

Video just seems...excessive.

Sure, there are people who can do it well. I just never thought I could.

Maybe part of my avoidance has for practical reasons. I simply don't have adequate tools. My digital camera records no more than 30 seconds of crappy video at a time, my phone's video contents has been impossible to transfer to my computer, and so the only "real" camera I'm left with is the iSight on my Mac. This would be useful if I was a video blogger, but I'm not. I'm not extroverted enough, nor do I find speaking as comfortable as writing. Not to my computer, at least.

---
Still, I feel like I've been missing out.

As an avid promoter of online personal archiving and communication, I feel it's silly for me to be so fearful of how video will effect people's perception of me. More importantly, I'm interested in exploring the art of the video snapshot. I'm starting small. A few weird videos of myself drawing and (un)eating cookies.

Hopefully it'll grow from there. Hopefully, I'll make something of real interest for others or my future self.

More kseniya than ever before.

2007-05-17T00:22:36Z

MY NEW TUMBLR SITE,
a more public blog of sorts, centered on movies and books and music I don't mention here.

Let's see if I can keep up.

Brand Upon The Brain.

2007-05-16T04:46:13Z

Saw Brand Upon the Brain! tonight.
The live version--with Isabella Rossellini narrating to the left of us
and the orchestra up front, the foley artists too, distracting me all the while.

It was amazing

and increased my recent girl lust terribly.

---

ACCEPTING BOOK SUGGESTIONS

I've been searching and searching for the right book to read recently.
I need something that refers to identity and/or relationships and is overall uplifting
without being too simplistic or cheesy.

Any ideas?

I've been reading "house of leaves" and re-reading Barthes' "Lover's Discourse"
but my craving is very specific and has yet to be sated.

drunkmail? [made accessible to all 6/12/07]

2007-05-15T05:35:51Z

the following was sent to mr. mccrushsicle
at 1:30 am tonight.

+
an mp3 of GET A LOAD OF MY FAGGOT WHISTLE.

yes.

if sending such things to a boy you like
is not the thing to do
then i will never love again.

Post-steve living, FRIENDS ONLY EDITION. [made accessible to all 6/12/07]

2007-05-14T06:16:04Z

Part of me wants to tell you all the details...

The part where I smoked pot for the first time with my housemates, the part where I talked to a Russian lady
and her mentally challenged 30-year-old son on the train ("I had an American step father.
Now I have another step father. He's also American." Apparently the first one died and left the kid a ton o ca$h.)
I want to tell you how refreshing it has been to feel lust for boys and girls again, minus the guilt.
And how I walked right by my old suicidal roommate and paused and finally wasn't scared to speak,
but just shook my head and didn't. Then there was Thursday when I went to Coney Island
and got drunk on the beach and bruised up on the cyclone.
And Saturday afternoon when I went to Coney Island by accident.

Then there was last night when my friend refused to come home with me because he was afraid that if anything
happened, I'd make an art and craft project of our affair. I couldn't help but giggle.

Finally, there was this morning when I was covered in pink spots
from drinking honey liqueur vodka at a party the previous evening.
Rediscovering the allergies of your childhood is kind of humbling.

Most of me, however, doesn't want to waste time recovering the details
of the past 2 weeks, and is stuck on a dumbfounding crush that's spreading through me like a cancer.

I initially discovered this boy through the Gothamist blog during the 2005 Transit Strike, so this lust
has had sufficient time to fester. He's all over the web, too, though not in the usual cubbies of myspace and blogger.
He's a little different but was in fact spotted on consumating for a week, early 2006.

I met him once in January when my thing with Steve was still freshly broken enough
that I didn't feel too terrible about flirting my heart out.
He clearly saw my situation wasn't ideal for dating, however,
and told me he wasn't comfortable seeing me until after things had cleared up.
I said alas alas and broke up with Steve a few weeks later. X wasn't entirely part of the equation
but it certainly didn't hurt my conviction that my affection for Steve was fading.

We met for the second time on Friday. We had sushi for lunch. He paid. I thanked him.

I had set up the meeting with the explanation that I needed his insight.
He's the most successful 20-something I know
and more than that, what I know of him makes him appear outgoing, social, motivated, and generally happy.
That combination is pretty rare in 20-something's, particularly when they are of the creative sort.

I wanted to know his SECRET (gag).

Instead of talking to me, he listened. He listened very closely. He asked me if I knew how to say 'no' to people
which brought on an avalanche of sighs and realizations that in the past year I've suffered through a blur of
"I don't know"'s and "Well, I guess so"'s..with friend and parents, at jobs and with Steve. It fucking killed me.
That's not who (I thought) I was and it was embarrassing.

The embarrassment seeped onto the tablecloth between us like a soup stain, and I was nauseated by how
weird and awkward this meeting had become. I just wanted to lure him, I didn't necessarily want him to know
that I hated being thought of as a temp and that I've been miserably stagnant ever since graduation.

The last thing I thought I could still control--my capacity to talk to men, to flirt my way through the most
self-deprecating stories--had vanished and it kind of freaked me out...and made me thrilled.

Whether he knew it or not he made me feel more vulnerable than anyone had done since..Darb, maybe,
and that was very significant. Sure, I'm afraid that he pressed the right spots accidentally (like darb did..),
that my going along with some of his ideas
was in itself a sign that I consistently need a guide and am lost without one...
I'm even scared that my shock and sadness was only an exaggerated truth to make him feel protective of me.

But all the paranoia aside,
there was a way he looked at me towards the end of the conversation
that made me feel like this person could be important in the coming months of the post-Steve Kseniya.

..Except I'm not entirely sure what happened next.

Continuing to stare at me, he took my hand,
my index and middle finger slipping clumsily together in between his own,
and squeezed it. Then he took my wrist and held that for a little while.
And then he squeezed my forearm and kept on doing so until I pulled away to drink some tea.
The same cycle was soon repeated.
There was some additional caressing of the arm and handholding. He didn't address it, just smiled.
Again, for some reason having my fingers mismatched in his crossed hand didn't appear to bother him at all.

I said he made me nervous.
He asked me if I knew why.
I said yes, of course.
-In mind: Because I have an insane crush on you, you idiot, and I don't know what happens now.
I don't understand if you're comforting me like a lost puppy, or if you see beyond my depleted self-esteem-
And he said 'Well, good, as long as you know.'

Weirdness.

When we exited he said 'We should do this again in a month.'
Exactly a month?
Well, maybe not exactly, just 4 weeks.

He squeezed my elbow and hugged me.
I made a remark about his deodorant..because that's what I do.

He said I didn't really have to wait a month.
I said uh really.

---
What the fuck was that? was the first thing I wrote when I sat down in the park after our meeting.

---
Have I simply been jaded by my strange dating experiences to see hand (and forearm) holding as anything beyond
a sign of attraction?

Would I even like this guy if he wasn't a weirdo?

I'm Back.

2007-05-12T19:05:44Z

It's been a year now since I started disappearing from this journal.
A year since I fell off the cliff that was college.
A year since I met Steve.

---
I’ve been wanting to come back for a long time.

When I say ‘back’ I mean to my previous independent, creative, communicative self;
to my friends, the majority of whom I stopped calling and writing in the past year;
to my online presence, that has been cut up and left deteriorating.

While it’s difficult for me to make the jump in full right now, this entry is the beginning of my
coming out of hiding and back into the habits which made me whole.

---
BREAK-UP & MOVE

Steve may not have intended for our relationship to cause my depression and identity crisis
--if anything, he actively tried to support me through the difficult post-graduate year--but
there were aspects of our cohabitation and codependency that seemed to amplify (or, at the
very least, parallel) the issues I was having. It also made it easy for me to cut myself off
from people, burrowing into our romantic drama until I couldn’t breathe, resenting and reveling
in my situation simultaneously.

Two weeks ago I finally moved out.

The break itself was made in early April, two weeks before our one-year anniversary.
The month that followed revealed to be deceivingly pleasant...when we weren’t screaming
at each other and crying in our separate corners of the one-room studio.

The first few days after the move were really difficult. I felt like I was coming off a drug,
craving physical contact and constant conversation, uncomfortable with the time I had to
fill up by myself. Since then, my impulse to clutter my mind to avoid thinking about my own
pursuits and responsibilities has eased tremendously, my initial desire to have
private space and time proving to be true.

I’ve missed coming home and going to bed at random hours,
I’ve missed sleeping next to my stack of books and notes and not worrying about
my partner’s schedule/comfort/mood.

I’m not a pushover but I’m exceedingly attuned to other people and often make adjustments
in myself to keep both parties happy. Steve may not have asked for any compromises,
but this aspect of my character made the live-in relationship exhausting for me at times.

---
I realize that any information I mention about my past year’s relationship
is still out of context here. My friend Justin is possibly the only person who’s been
exposed to enough of the situation to realize the spectrum of my feelings for Steve.
I really did love him. He was essentially the first love of my “adult” life and the
side-effects of this are huge. For better or worse, he exposed me to aspects of myself
I simply could not have accessed otherwise.
For instance, I hated him for introducing me to the concept of cheating, but the situation
also made me more assertive and less judgmental of people’s romantic choices.

Relationships are grey things, logic is sparse.
In a lot of ways Steve was exactly what I had wanted for a long time. An extrovert who
would push me to be more candidly expressive, whose feelings for me were clear
from the start, unwavering despite my own confusion and moodiness. The reason
I kept getting back together with him is that I was afraid I could not find a comparable
replacement in the future. Furthermore, my gratitude to him would sometimes
appear to me as love. After all, Steve was the only one who saw me through those
heartbreaking episodes of early failed job pursuits; he was the only one who didn't dismiss or
freak out at my displays of antisocial tendencies, but was also reciprocative when I felt
childishly affectionate and silly. I’d never shared so much with a person before.

But then more and more things began to irritate me, we fought every few days, and
I wanted out more than ever. It was a different kind of feeling than I had in November
when the first break-up occurred. It was a disappointed realization that this was not
something we could repair. For a couple that had only been together a year,
we had already accumulated too much baggage, too many annoyances and issues
that would never go away.

It was no longer an angry or bored kind of break-up.
I had to extricate myself from the situation while I still had a smidgen of myself
that wasn't lost in this mess of codependency and resentment.

---
WORK

My work situation continues to be at the core of my dissatisfaction and frustration with my life.

Things are less dire than than they were even 6 months ago. I’m paying my own rent
and credit card and food bill. The parents have helped several times to minimize my visa debt,
but overall the path is steadying and even minimal health insurance seems within my reach.

The main problem is that I’ve not applied for any writing or editorial jobs in many months now,
fear of continued non-responses stagnating me more than ever. I still crave those positions,
I’ve just given up for a while. I hope the move will spur me on to return to the search.

---
I was working at the Scholastic Art and Writing Awards for a good 3 months
earlier this year. I was happy despite the fact that the job was data entry and phone calls.
If I could get a job on the editorial side of the company, I would be ecstatic.

---
Now I jump from temp job to temp job, excited about being in new locations
and a steady paycheck without the pressures of a ‘real’ job. I like the time off, too,
though I know I’m not supposed to.

---
PROJECTS

My latest print project was revealed briefly on flickr and made it’s actual debut in Boston
at the Zine Fair. Since the fair, I’ve actually modified it slightly, adding and subtracting
certain images and generally adding to the contrast of the illustrations,
making for a cleaner print and brighter colors.

The zine is called FUCK YOU: Pictures From the Heart and is a collection of illustrations
and fiction vignettes I’ve done during the course of my relationship with Steve.
The words ‘Fuck You’ are intended to evoke the mix of love and frustration we’ve experienced.

In a sense, this is very different from the diary-like publications before this, but
ultimately I think it’s more personal than anything I ever put out. The pictures are not
spectacular but consistent with my style of overlapping cartoonish bodies and faces
with haunting and sarcastic remarks. Colored markers and pencils were used to amplify
the childishness of some of the drawings, but this doesn’t take away the depression
that radiates through some of the pieces.

Because I’ve been printing the issues on my own printer, it’s been difficult to determine
an appropriate price for the booklets. At the Zine Fair I was charging 4$, which seems
approximately enough. What you have to keep in mind is that I make each one individually,
cutting and stapling it by hand, altering the order of the pages slightly each time
according to my mood. Each issue is individualized.

I’ll be setting up an official ‘BUY NOW’ button soon here and on my myspace
(..on my website too if I can manage to get that back up sometime soon), in the mean time
you can send me an e-mail me (theskyeisfalling at GEEHMALE dot com)
with a request for an issue and I’ll in turn send you
the address where to mail the $.

---
I’m also going to be re-issuing the last ‘The Skye is Falling’ Zine under the new title of
‘PEOPLE I MET OFF THE INTERNET.’ I’ll be adding some things to it and eliminating others.
Details about that will be released in the weeks to come.

---
WEBSITE

The restrictions of my old host were annoying me,
so I scrapped theskyeisfalling.com in November.
Now “the skye is falling” moniker is irking me too
and I’m still not entirely sure what title I’ll use
once the off-line version of the website is complete.

Maybe just ksen.

Feel free to make suggestions.

---
There are details from my life of the past few months that are missing here.
I hope to reveal them in a less dense manner in the entries that will follow this one in “real time.”

As of now I want to post a friends-only entry about the past week, and specifically yesterday.
That may change or be postponed until Sunday.

Overall, expect entries to be posted here as they once were--ranging from once a week
to once a day.

boston boston boston

2007-03-24T16:00:50Z

i'm in boston.

i slept at south station from 1am onward this morning.
it was great.

now i'm selling my zines at mass art
(Massachusetts College of Art/ 621 Huntington Avenue)
until about 6pm.

same place, same time (10am to 6pm) tomorrow.

come!

please!

i will give you a discount.

lurve,
ks.

nm.

2007-03-16T15:30:00Z

scratch that.
found the last available hostel for 30$/night in boston.

yes!

i know i've gone missing.
there's a lot to talk about
job and relationship-wise
and on and on.

i hadn't even realized how long i've been away from here,
until i looked at the date.

i promise i will put up a substantial update soon.
in the mean time, I NEED HELP.

remember, last year's trip to boston's zine fair?
(the short version for non-friends)

again, i made the mistake of not planning ahead
and need a place to stay.

i almost decided not to go, but a zine fair is something i need right now,
to motivate me back into artistic existence.

i'm actually working on my illustration-centric zine right now.
it's going to make it's debut at the fair.

---
what i need is minimal,
a couch to sleep on for a night (saturday night, March 24th)
or maybe two (25th?) if you're feeling generous.
i won't even be around most of saturday and sunday,
since the Fair is 10 to 6pm, and with dinner and wandering,
i don't have to be in until you need me to be.

last year i stayed with an friend of an acquaintance of someone
i talked to on the net. that worked out well enough,
but i should have known to plan better this year.

the boyfriend wants to come also
but is looking for his own arrangements.
if you have enough floor room for both of us,
that'd be fantastic. if not, that's alright too.
we'll figure something out.

BONUS: unlike last year, when i was miserably broke,
i have a little money this year and will happily
pay you in food/dinner or ca$hmoney if you so insist.

Ezhik v Tumane / Hedgehog in the Fog

2007-01-20T06:07:34Z

if you ever wonder why i am the way i am--quite often melancholy or sad, yet almost naively romantic, despite my own cynicism--watch this cartoon.

obviously, it can't truly be fully absorbed in the same way it is ingrained in my system--you have to see this as a child a few times--but i think the tone of it is the most vivid echo of what i remember of my first 10 years in russia and ukraine.

i've had a real longing for russia recently. my dad sent me another email wondering how i am and i'm amazed he's remained this patient, this interested, despite my lack of responses.

i think the nostalgia i feel is merely my perpetual longing for a real 'home.' sometimes i pretend it's somewhere here in new york. other times i get the false memory that it's in maryland. tonight, it's my childhood, the more mundane unhappy memories blurring just enough to form a pretty animated picture.

i've been..

2007-01-16T20:09:09Z

sleeping a lot lately
and not calling people enough
and getting upset freaked out at overcrowded concerts
and falling on my face.

and generally acting like a strange frantic bird.

---
today: getting back to applying for jobs.godhelpme/

entrance into 2007.

2007-01-08T05:38:47Z

things have been pretty busy over the past week. busy doing everything and nothing.

december 31-
several party plans fell through, which resulted in steve+i tagging along with
justin and his out-of-town friend bob. we went to a party hosted by justin's friends' friends.
it wasn't really that bad but frustrating in its anonymity. we really just didn't know
anyone aside from justin and bob (and becky. sortof), nor felt a particular pull to make
acquaintances with these newfound strangers.

january 1-
i don't remember doing much this day, aside from being generally achy and sleepy.
i think i played guitar hero on steve's friend's playstation. i think it was fun.

i also met joel (and his friends in tow) for about an hour.
i remember worried that my recent food poisoning had done some sort of permanent damage,
since something as simple as walking would re-trigger nausea and stomach discomfort.

january 2-
this was my last day of temping at the ralph lauren corporate office.
it was pretty calm but definitely more busy than the other days.
everyone came back to work and many new-hires showed up for their introductions.
i felt bad for not dressing as well as i had done the previous week.
i also flinched but kept quiet when someone recommended the place where i got food poisoning
to a new employee.

a union square wine store called me about a part-time evening cashier position.
i still haven't called back, but probably should.

in the evening i met up with justin and bob once again.
we drank beer and talked. justin played a beautiful game of pinball,
which was later followed by pool between the three of us. i played badly but no matter.

january 3-
as far as i recall, the day was wasted between steve and i on separate computers.
his new pc had just arrived the day before and i think he was excited about having
unmonitored internet and Word access for the first time in years.

i think we also did laundry.

january 4-
i finally learned to play poker.
scott, steve, and i played in the evening.

a few hours prior however, i had the pleasure of meeting jakob of college humor.
i'd seen so much of him online--lvhrd, vimoe, flickr--it was a bit nerve-wrecking.
nonetheless, the conversation was easy and more enjoyable than i had ever anticipated,
leaving me excited about being social again..which sort of hasn't been the case these past few weeks.

the most amusing moment of the night: jakob hovering over the slew of trees
laid out in tompkins square, his eye gleaming with the temptation to jump into the pile
and burrow himself in the soft scratchy branches. i told him there might be rats
and he refrained, instead giving a short speech on why rats are disgusting but squirrels are not.

from jakob's flickr

january 5-
friday was pretty busy.

i had an administrative assistant interview at a science institute which appears to be run by Zionists.
i feel a little uneasy about the setup, particularly when i'm so unclear on what the Zionist backing
has to do with the scientific research..if anything. there's more to this story..but i'll save that for inperson
conversations. the comment i will make is that i simply don't understand how it is that i continue
to end up getting involved in situations where i am forced to make pseudo-political decisions
about what i wish to support. i just want to be neutral. uninvolved.

after the interview, i went to queens and visited charlie. or, elliott as some of you know him.
we haven't seen each other since his long-ago birthday party and i've missed him terribly.
it was nice to talk to him in person again, one on one. it was nice to hear that everything on his end
is moving along smoothly. it gives me hope that i will have the same eventually.

more photos of elliott on my flickr. taken in september, lost, and then found

after i got back into the city, i got a phone call from ben shapiro.
i've not talked about him previously (at least not in this forum), but we met
some months prior while volunteering for an environmental art project in new jersey.
it was a miserably rainy night that could not have left me feeling better about
making friends with strangers. or perhaps the beauty of finding the right strangers at the right time.
you see, ben and i had actually met prior. we had a psychology of dreams class (we both hated)
my first semester at new school and i remember thinking him incredibly bright
and apparently he too remembered me somehow. to add to this coincidence,
he also knows a number of my friend's friends, including matt, max(applied communications!)'s bff
from florida, whom i met yesterday at ifc theater. "kseniya? do you by chance write a blog
about online dating?" he asked. funny funny.

from ben's myspace profile.

we saw david lynch's 'inland empire' which was miserably beautiful like that night in new jersey.
so long and painful, but also with plenty of glimmers of hope and insight.
it's still fucking confusing--there are too many pieces and not all of them fit--but
it made me excited to think and digest what i saw and talk about it with ben and matt, after.

january 6-
steve and i spent the warm afternoon on the roof, drinking beer and talking with jenn,
our new neighbor by way of chicago. we also went to goodbye blue monday, some blocks away,
and the newfound snack time diner on broadway and malcolm x blvd.

i later visited eleni and sat on her roof also. there we drank coffee and talked some more.
i'd not seen her in sometime and it was a pleasant refresher.

the evening was supposed to close with a concert (MIA RIDDLE), but with the F train fuckups
and redhook being a confusing part of brooklyn, we eventually scrapped that plan
and met steve's friend at a bar-b-q joint for a late dinner.
more quiet conversation, more beer, more sighs with people we'd not seen in months.

january 7-
today i've done little.
listened to elliott's new comedy radio (FIST CITY) show, browsed the internet, avoided finishing the 30 pages
i have left of zadie smith's book, avoided looking for jobs.

received an email earlier today from the tutoring gig i thought would be steady.
the kid needs a special teacher apparently, which is really for the best.

justin came over in the evening to fix some things up on steve's computer.
we ate soup and challah bread.

i got a new high score on bejewled. i think i figured out the trick.

food poisoning.

2006-12-31T00:40:01Z

i got food poisoning on thursday,
2 hours before i was supposed to get off my ralph lauren receptionist shift.

nothing like holding back vomit as someone on the phone asks you
what you can sense is going to be a longwinded question
in a less than patient voice.

then, you transfer them, run to the bathroom, talk to your supervisor, and get the hell out.

THEN, you camp out at your boyfriend's house-sitting apartment for the next 48 hours,
puking your guts out some more
and being generally gross
and watching too much cable and not eating enough.

i'm still a little meh.. but better.
slowly my digestive system is getting back on track
but man, am i still afraid of food.

worse yet, i not only missed my step-grandfather's funeral,
i also wasted 20$ on the 1-way ticket.

and didn't get a 5hour road trip with dear joel.

alas alas. i hope new year's eve will be better.

i'm going to a -celebrate like it's 1997- party..

-newsflash-

2006-12-27T04:56:32Z

i just found out today that
i will be coming down to maryland
thursday evening for a friday noon funeral.

my step-dad's father (my step grandfather? aka grandpa w...) has passed away
and everyone is coming back to rockville for the burial.

i don't know how i feel about this.

all i know is that i have to be there
and that i'm not staying past the weekend,
ideally coming back to ny saturday evening or sunday afternoon.

---
---
---
in the meantime, work went well today.
i was the switchboard girl at the ralph lauren office.

-sure, i was afraid that i had become locked in the office and then the stairwell,
with no one to save me, and later dropped a few phonecalls and butchered three more,
but overall it was a breeze-

tomorrow they're moving me out of the corner office with the giant windows
to the receptionist gig down the hall.
something to look forward to.

i'm also looking forward to not being broke
but considering my online timesheet hasn't allowed me to login just yet,
that may be officially postponed for another week or two.

nonetheless my mood has been changing steadily with these temp jobs,
making me hopeful that i'm not quite done with new york just yet
and won't even have to resort to food service.

/fingers crossed.

finallyfinally

2006-12-21T21:29:22Z

after enduring an hour-long interview at amy's bread
--6-month commitment, opening shift on sunday at 6 am, phonecalls would be made to
a minimum of three previous employers--i was pretty depressed.

all that for an 8.50$/hr job selling bread?
good grief.

i was so depressed as a matter of fact,
that when i arrived at my catsitting house
(Oh Greenpoint, how much I've not missed you
since the move!) i decided it was time for me to start smoking.
the situation must have seemed as dire as ever
because i hate even being around people who smoke
not even to mention inhaling the stuff.

i rolled a crooked little joint of tobacco.
it smelled good before i lit it.
i inhaled.
it burned my lungs and i coughed heartily,
disappointed by the bitter non-taste of it.

i've quit.

---
today i went to atrium staffing.

they were fantastic.
friendly and understanding,
and, most importantly,
productive.

i went in for training today
and tomorrow will be answering phones
at a cosmetic-type organization for a day..
at a long-awaited 11$/hr.

starting next tuesday i'll be working for ralph lauren
for a week.
it's intimidating and thrilling
and i'm hopeful that i can do this for a while
without having to resort to foodservice again.

---
le sigh.