ksen. (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} uncorrupted84) wrote,@ 2007-06-12 19:24:00 |
|
SUPER EXTREME UPDATE.
I'm starting to prefer these multi-layer bi-weekly updates.
They're surprisingly easier to write than the second-by-second event snapshots
I used to do almost daily 2003-2005.
There's a little more context, there's a little more thought.
No doubt I'll miss re-reading first impressions in the future,
but third impressions can be more filling and less embarrassing,
even if they are revealing.
---
MID-MAY CRUSH
To start with, I'd like to mention that I'm unfiltering most of the friends-only entries
from last month. The overwhelming 2-week crush on X has faded as quickly
as it revealed itself. It made me sad to let it go, but it was obviously based on a misunderstanding
and much post-break-up hope. I'm not saying the dude is a bad guy, but he's certainly
not who I thought he was. Attractive? Sure. Innovative? Yes. Successful? Absolutely.
But there was an edge of cruelty to him (as with Darb, whom he reminds me of so terribly
and whom I tried to talk to the night that the crush finally collapsed unto itself
in a string of terrible text messages and a five minute phone conversation punctuated by
the boy's laughs and 'You called me to say that?' and 'Why are you telling me this?'
That=being hurt by his words. This=an idea I had for an art project).
Some degree of sharpness has always been appealing to me.
Sweetness goes stale if it's not peppered by sarcasm and occasional antagonizing jabs.
But there's a balance that needs to be reached. Each person has their level of comfort.
I tend to play along with most people's and am put off when someone oversteps my boundaries,
ignoring blatant protests.
In the past, phrases like 'If you can't help your behavior, who can?' and
'Did you just ask me how you should feel? What are you, a character in my novel?'
alone would have been enough to make me swoon. When I was a teenager, I assumed
this kind of tone was a sign that the other person was paying attention. I assumed that there
was affection and intimacy and trust ingrained in this kind of vague hostility.
But it's just not so simple anymore. I'm tired of settling for abuse because it's the closest thing
to pure, unsuperficial intimacy. Yes, it may be better than being bored by someone who
is so timid as to be completely hands off, but it's just another extreme. Finding something
in between is not impossible.
'Do you only want me to compliment you and tell you good things?,' I remember my mother
would ask me when I would become too sensitive to her critiques. No, I don't.
'There's so much that I put aside,' Steve would tell me when I would criticize his character or decisions.
'You have no idea how many things about you frustrate me and I just learn to put them aside,' he would cry.
I don't want this either.
What I do want is for the other to expect/want the most from me--to encourage me, sometimes slyly and sometimes not--
but to still make their affection as apparent as their criticism.
I want there to be a dialogue that see-saws into equilibrium.
I want there to be pauses where the guard is down on both sides and only positive feelings are exchanged.
FULL DISCLOSURE: As hinted in the above mention of our last exchange,
the boy ultimately rejected me, not I him. Nonetheless, his deafness made me
uncomfortable. If I saw the situation accurately,
he seemed to amplify the part where I had a breakdown in front of him
and ignore the playful recklessness flirtation in favor of a more needy, fumbling, pestering
vision of my character. I didn't even want to date the boy. I just thought there was chemistry
and I was curious where that could lead. Just sex wouldn't have been satisfying.
Sex and some amazing conversations without the strings of a relationship.
Yes, well, I guess it's best the flaws in my fantasy became apparent sooner than later.
Oh yeah, he is also in an open relationship with a girl who works
at a coffee shop I regularly visit. C'est la vie.
---
HOUSE
It's possibly the grimiest and smallest (at least my room, not the house as a whole) place I've lived in,
and I LOVE it.
Yeah, the neighborhood is baren. There are only 2 decent coffee shop/bars to go to,
one is a 10-minute walk away, the other one 30. And as far as food goes, I'm pretty much stuck
with fried chicken and McDonalds. Chinese food places here suck and there's little else.
A so-so diner that closes too early.
My roommate Rachel and I are the only white girls within a 10-block radius, and she
at least knows the neighbors, whereas I still feel too shy to do anything but nod and smile
when the black boys give me the eye.
None of that really matters.
This place is insanely cheap (450$! It's the same exact price
a friend in MD was offering me for a room in a house near College Park.
It's the cheapest rent you can possibly find in New York, and chances are,
the place will be a slum and you'll never see your landlord after the forms have been signed.)
and better yet, I feel comfortable here. Four roommates and they're all just normal enough
for me to feel at ease and weird enough for me not to be bored.
For the first time in a while, I can have a genuine conversation with the people I live.
Not some chit chat but actual details, private details about our lives.
At the same time, we can get drunk and goof around and feel just as fine.
They're like my siblings, without the burden of being family.
We make fun of each other and hug and talk about our sex lives and there's no weirdness
or hidden tension or superficial friendliness. These people are amazing
and I'm just crossing my fingers that our dynamics stays stable.
Not worrying about finding a new place to live is a strange and incredible feeling.
---
STEVE
There are still strings here and I'm not sure what to do, so I've been taking things one step at a time,
adjusting myself to the daily fluctuations of our morphing ..relationship.
A certain degree of affection will never fade.
A year with a person is not something you can amputate.
Nonetheless, I'm starting to see the situation more vividly now in retro-spect
and there's a degree of embarassment towards my post-graduate complacency.
It was triggered by depression, but there were moments where I made very conscious decisions
to stay, be it due to curiosity or fear of loneliness, or just because it was easier not to resist Steve's conviction,
or stubborn rebelliosness towards people who felt a break-up was the obvious decision.
It was ultimately a disservice to us both. Yes, we have chemistry but
fuck if it isn't the heaviest relationship I have ever encountered.
There's just something about our interaction that I now find physically exhausting.
I feel dizzy and near passing out.
We have such different perspectives on what is important, that I just..
can't stand to talk about it anymore.
[SECTION CENSORED 6/20/07]
---
WORK
I had a chance to get a full-time permanent job. I refused it.
Though it doesn't seem like it, it was the most adult decision I've made in a while.
It started out ok.
An established law firm. International patent department.
My own cubicle and desk and all teh office supplies I could ever want.
15$/hour and plenty of benefits.
In a sense, it would have been a cushy job.
Paper-shuffling. Filing. Inter-office mail. Photocopies.
It wasn't entirely simple. There was a system and you had to be attentive enough
to distinguish minute differences between extremely similar documents.
Nonetheless, it wasn't intricate enough to require much thinking.
I thought maybe I could learn about patents as a whole, but soon enough
it was pretty clear that wasn't the point.
I may have even settled for it, were it not for some other major factors.
The boss was extremely controlling, condecending, and traditional.
No internet usage whatsoever except during lunch hour.
Little to no usage of headphones (I still listened to the radion and my ipod,
but it was basically a no no).
You had to check in each morning when you arrived with an e-mail to the boss
with 'Good Morning' in the subject like. 'Good Night' when you left. 'Lunch' and 'Back,' also.
No variation in the wording of these e-mails was acceptable.
Conversation with co-workers was minimal and most of the other departments were ignored
or disliked entirely (there was a crue of twenty-somethings scanning in documents in the same office
and boy did she loathe them).
The secretary seemed to keep a watchful eye on everyone and rarely would there be a smile, even fake.
The boss seemed to enjoy a kind of fearful attitude from the workers.
It seemed that pretending to work even if there was nothing to do was the norm. Still no internet usage at this point.
She would get angry over very little things, common to an office--empty paper tray--and
act out in a hostile, angry way. Apparently listening to an iPod is unprofessional but saying 'Fuck' and 'Shit'
loudly at the office (usually directed at someone) is totally cool.
The little perk that there was--leaving work an hour early on Fridays, while still getting paid for it--
was always underlined by her as a tremendous favor to all of us.
She said I didn't deserve it the last Friday I was in.
I would have said 'Then I'll stay. I don't need your 'gift,'' if I wasn't so terribly afraid of her
and devoted to keeping apperances up for my temp agency.
From the second day in, I knew I didn't want to do this job, and I'm glad I got out of it quickly.
It would have made me more miserable than any mind-numbing administrative job ever should,
and I would have wasted their time.
I'm very affected by my environment and the attitude of my superiors
and I'm glad I didn't dismiss these feelings in favor of stability.
It's not time yet.
I like temping. I like the times I am not.
Eventually I'll find something that is more compatible. Not perfect, just better.
---
DATING
After the two-week stint at the patent office
(Which bytheway, was interestingly enough my first real 9 to 5 job.
I don't think I've ever worked anything but 10 to 6 before..),
I had an entire week off.
It was amazing.
I'd placed an ad the previous weekend
and took advantage of my time off to go on a few dates.
The first one was disapointing and it made me sad that the boy was drawn to me
and I couldn't reciprocate this, but played along nevertheless.
I didn't intend to initially, but once my signs of boredom and lack of attraction were disregarded,
I thought the easiest thing would be to play along. I had a good time talking and that was about it.
Shallow as it may be, were he more attractive, I'm sure I'd be more willing to hang out.
I doubt that would last too long, however.
There were two more meetings that followed and both were much easier.
Further discussion of these will be stopped short here, due to the fact that some things are still a little grey
and both parties have access to this material and I'd rather speak to them directly
then through this.
I met two others through replies I sent to their ads, but am unsure if I'll see either one again.
One will make for an amazing friend. He might even be ok with that.
The other..well, the other, while extremely interesting,
is perhaps better left unmentioned here.
Yes, there was the girl I was so excited about meeting also.
I don't know if it's meant to be.
She canceled on me thrice and sent an apologetic e-mail and it's possibe a meeting sometime in the future will still happen,
but, as I told her, some of the excitment has certainly faded with the continuous postponing.
If nothing else, a platonic relationship with a girl would be extremely good for me right now. We'll see.
---
PROJECTS
Working on a post-it note ptoject.
I'm pretty into it and it may take me the summer to finish, so I think I'll postpone revealing the details.
I may, however, post photos of the progress, as things begin to move along more steadily.
Re-writing issue 2 of the Zine.
Printed a few copies of FUCKYOU and was about to mail them
but they disapeared into local hands. Will buy more paper and ink
and will try again quite soon (= next week at latest).
Remember that while I am not here I am still often HERE,
posting videos and links and other observations that seem a little out of place here
but may still be of interest.
I'm starting to prefer these multi-layer bi-weekly updates.
They're surprisingly easier to write than the second-by-second event snapshots
I used to do almost daily 2003-2005.
There's a little more context, there's a little more thought.
No doubt I'll miss re-reading first impressions in the future,
but third impressions can be more filling and less embarrassing,
even if they are revealing.
---
MID-MAY CRUSH
To start with, I'd like to mention that I'm unfiltering most of the friends-only entries
from last month. The overwhelming 2-week crush on X has faded as quickly
as it revealed itself. It made me sad to let it go, but it was obviously based on a misunderstanding
and much post-break-up hope. I'm not saying the dude is a bad guy, but he's certainly
not who I thought he was. Attractive? Sure. Innovative? Yes. Successful? Absolutely.
But there was an edge of cruelty to him (as with Darb, whom he reminds me of so terribly
and whom I tried to talk to the night that the crush finally collapsed unto itself
in a string of terrible text messages and a five minute phone conversation punctuated by
the boy's laughs and 'You called me to say that?' and 'Why are you telling me this?'
That=being hurt by his words. This=an idea I had for an art project).
Some degree of sharpness has always been appealing to me.
Sweetness goes stale if it's not peppered by sarcasm and occasional antagonizing jabs.
But there's a balance that needs to be reached. Each person has their level of comfort.
I tend to play along with most people's and am put off when someone oversteps my boundaries,
ignoring blatant protests.
In the past, phrases like 'If you can't help your behavior, who can?' and
'Did you just ask me how you should feel? What are you, a character in my novel?'
alone would have been enough to make me swoon. When I was a teenager, I assumed
this kind of tone was a sign that the other person was paying attention. I assumed that there
was affection and intimacy and trust ingrained in this kind of vague hostility.
But it's just not so simple anymore. I'm tired of settling for abuse because it's the closest thing
to pure, unsuperficial intimacy. Yes, it may be better than being bored by someone who
is so timid as to be completely hands off, but it's just another extreme. Finding something
in between is not impossible.
'Do you only want me to compliment you and tell you good things?,' I remember my mother
would ask me when I would become too sensitive to her critiques. No, I don't.
'There's so much that I put aside,' Steve would tell me when I would criticize his character or decisions.
'You have no idea how many things about you frustrate me and I just learn to put them aside,' he would cry.
I don't want this either.
What I do want is for the other to expect/want the most from me--to encourage me, sometimes slyly and sometimes not--
but to still make their affection as apparent as their criticism.
I want there to be a dialogue that see-saws into equilibrium.
I want there to be pauses where the guard is down on both sides and only positive feelings are exchanged.
FULL DISCLOSURE: As hinted in the above mention of our last exchange,
the boy ultimately rejected me, not I him. Nonetheless, his deafness made me
uncomfortable. If I saw the situation accurately,
he seemed to amplify the part where I had a breakdown in front of him
and ignore the playful recklessness flirtation in favor of a more needy, fumbling, pestering
vision of my character. I didn't even want to date the boy. I just thought there was chemistry
and I was curious where that could lead. Just sex wouldn't have been satisfying.
Sex and some amazing conversations without the strings of a relationship.
Yes, well, I guess it's best the flaws in my fantasy became apparent sooner than later.
Oh yeah, he is also in an open relationship with a girl who works
at a coffee shop I regularly visit. C'est la vie.
---
HOUSE
It's possibly the grimiest and smallest (at least my room, not the house as a whole) place I've lived in,
and I LOVE it.
Yeah, the neighborhood is baren. There are only 2 decent coffee shop/bars to go to,
one is a 10-minute walk away, the other one 30. And as far as food goes, I'm pretty much stuck
with fried chicken and McDonalds. Chinese food places here suck and there's little else.
A so-so diner that closes too early.
My roommate Rachel and I are the only white girls within a 10-block radius, and she
at least knows the neighbors, whereas I still feel too shy to do anything but nod and smile
when the black boys give me the eye.
None of that really matters.
This place is insanely cheap (450$! It's the same exact price
a friend in MD was offering me for a room in a house near College Park.
It's the cheapest rent you can possibly find in New York, and chances are,
the place will be a slum and you'll never see your landlord after the forms have been signed.)
and better yet, I feel comfortable here. Four roommates and they're all just normal enough
for me to feel at ease and weird enough for me not to be bored.
For the first time in a while, I can have a genuine conversation with the people I live.
Not some chit chat but actual details, private details about our lives.
At the same time, we can get drunk and goof around and feel just as fine.
They're like my siblings, without the burden of being family.
We make fun of each other and hug and talk about our sex lives and there's no weirdness
or hidden tension or superficial friendliness. These people are amazing
and I'm just crossing my fingers that our dynamics stays stable.
Not worrying about finding a new place to live is a strange and incredible feeling.
---
STEVE
There are still strings here and I'm not sure what to do, so I've been taking things one step at a time,
adjusting myself to the daily fluctuations of our morphing ..relationship.
A certain degree of affection will never fade.
A year with a person is not something you can amputate.
Nonetheless, I'm starting to see the situation more vividly now in retro-spect
and there's a degree of embarassment towards my post-graduate complacency.
It was triggered by depression, but there were moments where I made very conscious decisions
to stay, be it due to curiosity or fear of loneliness, or just because it was easier not to resist Steve's conviction,
or stubborn rebelliosness towards people who felt a break-up was the obvious decision.
It was ultimately a disservice to us both. Yes, we have chemistry but
fuck if it isn't the heaviest relationship I have ever encountered.
There's just something about our interaction that I now find physically exhausting.
I feel dizzy and near passing out.
We have such different perspectives on what is important, that I just..
can't stand to talk about it anymore.
[SECTION CENSORED 6/20/07]
---
WORK
I had a chance to get a full-time permanent job. I refused it.
Though it doesn't seem like it, it was the most adult decision I've made in a while.
It started out ok.
An established law firm. International patent department.
My own cubicle and desk and all teh office supplies I could ever want.
15$/hour and plenty of benefits.
In a sense, it would have been a cushy job.
Paper-shuffling. Filing. Inter-office mail. Photocopies.
It wasn't entirely simple. There was a system and you had to be attentive enough
to distinguish minute differences between extremely similar documents.
Nonetheless, it wasn't intricate enough to require much thinking.
I thought maybe I could learn about patents as a whole, but soon enough
it was pretty clear that wasn't the point.
I may have even settled for it, were it not for some other major factors.
The boss was extremely controlling, condecending, and traditional.
No internet usage whatsoever except during lunch hour.
Little to no usage of headphones (I still listened to the radion and my ipod,
but it was basically a no no).
You had to check in each morning when you arrived with an e-mail to the boss
with 'Good Morning' in the subject like. 'Good Night' when you left. 'Lunch' and 'Back,' also.
No variation in the wording of these e-mails was acceptable.
Conversation with co-workers was minimal and most of the other departments were ignored
or disliked entirely (there was a crue of twenty-somethings scanning in documents in the same office
and boy did she loathe them).
The secretary seemed to keep a watchful eye on everyone and rarely would there be a smile, even fake.
The boss seemed to enjoy a kind of fearful attitude from the workers.
It seemed that pretending to work even if there was nothing to do was the norm. Still no internet usage at this point.
She would get angry over very little things, common to an office--empty paper tray--and
act out in a hostile, angry way. Apparently listening to an iPod is unprofessional but saying 'Fuck' and 'Shit'
loudly at the office (usually directed at someone) is totally cool.
The little perk that there was--leaving work an hour early on Fridays, while still getting paid for it--
was always underlined by her as a tremendous favor to all of us.
She said I didn't deserve it the last Friday I was in.
I would have said 'Then I'll stay. I don't need your 'gift,'' if I wasn't so terribly afraid of her
and devoted to keeping apperances up for my temp agency.
From the second day in, I knew I didn't want to do this job, and I'm glad I got out of it quickly.
It would have made me more miserable than any mind-numbing administrative job ever should,
and I would have wasted their time.
I'm very affected by my environment and the attitude of my superiors
and I'm glad I didn't dismiss these feelings in favor of stability.
It's not time yet.
I like temping. I like the times I am not.
Eventually I'll find something that is more compatible. Not perfect, just better.
---
DATING
After the two-week stint at the patent office
(Which bytheway, was interestingly enough my first real 9 to 5 job.
I don't think I've ever worked anything but 10 to 6 before..),
I had an entire week off.
It was amazing.
I'd placed an ad the previous weekend
and took advantage of my time off to go on a few dates.
The first one was disapointing and it made me sad that the boy was drawn to me
and I couldn't reciprocate this, but played along nevertheless.
I didn't intend to initially, but once my signs of boredom and lack of attraction were disregarded,
I thought the easiest thing would be to play along. I had a good time talking and that was about it.
Shallow as it may be, were he more attractive, I'm sure I'd be more willing to hang out.
I doubt that would last too long, however.
There were two more meetings that followed and both were much easier.
Further discussion of these will be stopped short here, due to the fact that some things are still a little grey
and both parties have access to this material and I'd rather speak to them directly
then through this.
I met two others through replies I sent to their ads, but am unsure if I'll see either one again.
One will make for an amazing friend. He might even be ok with that.
The other..well, the other, while extremely interesting,
is perhaps better left unmentioned here.
Yes, there was the girl I was so excited about meeting also.
I don't know if it's meant to be.
She canceled on me thrice and sent an apologetic e-mail and it's possibe a meeting sometime in the future will still happen,
but, as I told her, some of the excitment has certainly faded with the continuous postponing.
If nothing else, a platonic relationship with a girl would be extremely good for me right now. We'll see.
---
PROJECTS
Working on a post-it note ptoject.
I'm pretty into it and it may take me the summer to finish, so I think I'll postpone revealing the details.
I may, however, post photos of the progress, as things begin to move along more steadily.
Re-writing issue 2 of the Zine.
Printed a few copies of FUCKYOU and was about to mail them
but they disapeared into local hands. Will buy more paper and ink
and will try again quite soon (= next week at latest).
Remember that while I am not here I am still often HERE,
posting videos and links and other observations that seem a little out of place here
but may still be of interest.
